One of the themes of this album is becoming what you hate, what you swore you would not, and the pain, frustration, and sorrow that comes with being acutely self aware of it. This song has this as a starting point. Many days and nights that I would want to be doing things whether it be playing board games, training my martial arts, going in the woods, going for a walk, or any other number of things that I enjoyed, but instead could not find the energy to even get out from under the blankets on my couch.

Mental health issues like this are largely not understood by ones peers, and even those of us that face them, we too often forget our own experiences when we have friends going through things. You literally cannot force yourself up or through anymore. I know the importance of moving and doing rather than letting yourself stagnate but there are times where even the strong cannot find the strength and in those times, what does one do? Can you imagine the absolute frustration that comes with that?

The ghosts that really haunt are the pleasant memories because they are so few in my life. This song reflects the yearning to experience the magick I once felt, and it ponders when it was that I last felt it, and also addresses the pain they bring. There were a few people over my years that I had exceptionally strong connections to and actually fell in love with. All of these were very intense relationships that left me with painful memories of good moments. As times got darker and darker and I fall further and further the lines begin to blur. It is in these times when it is realized how easily love and hate blur together, and I wrestle with the feelings toward these people.

Specific events are referenced about these relationships. There is far too much to say or write about these people, incidents, and relationships but they are a haunting presence and they would torment me with failure and really punctuate the cruelty of chaos, and how one can try their damndest but still fall short. People cling to the idea that there is somebody for everybody, or that things always work out for the best and would constantly tell me to keep trying, but I feel the reality of the world is that some are born to lose. Karma, to me is just a way to rationalize ones suffering. I am by no means perfect and have caused damage to people but I also acknowledge when I am wrong, when I fuck up, and then I try to make up for it, to repair it as best I can, and to not make the same exact mistake again. This cycle left me brutalized and added to the resentment as I would see people who do nothing, or are shitty and overtly abusive people always getting a chance.

In the end, as I fall further away the battle with suicide became more about the safety of others. I never want to hurt somebody on some catastrophic level like I have been hurt. I question whether I can avoid it and so suicide becomes a very real solution to prevent it if I must. I have often thought about what would happen if I did become the monster and what friends would say, family would say, acquantances would say. I never want anybody to feel shame for my existence or see me as the monster, I would rather them mourn the mask, hence the ending lines of this song.

This song captures all of the things that would envelop me as I sat on the edge both literally and metaphorically, weighing the destruction of myself against the destruction of others. It is a heavy internal battle with a really volatile mix of emotions, experiences, and personal truths. It is a final battle, a line in the sand against myself with the outcome to be determined......