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about

From around the age of 15 or 16 I had been conscious of some serious red flags in my personality. I had experienced violent tendencies, rage, explosive emotions that I could not control, dating back to my childhood. I had also taken a lot of severe trauma that fucked up my brain. I knew, I know I was and am capable of becoming a monster, of doing heinous things.

This song lays out the entire concept of the album, which was the initial impulse that led to this creation. In briefest of terms it demonstrates the frustration of ones struggles, the realization of the possible and probable outcome if things stay as they are.

In the recent times I had somehow felt lower and lower. I noticed myself creeping closer and closer to a dangerous emotional state, closer and closer to all that which I swore I would never do or become. I would reflect on precisely how far I had fallen, going from a person who strongly believed in his cause, believed in trying to help people, to repair damage, believed in the magick of the world to somebody who had constant thoughts of murder, rape, revenge, and retribution. The disgust felt for those around me, for what I saw in the world was overwhelming to the point that there would be plenty of times that I could not go outside because of the people and the very real threat of just unleashing rage against them.

The pain of reflection which reveals that you have become exactly what you hate, in spite of your hardest efforts, your strongest attempts, is a brutal pain.

I constantly wonder what the threshold is? Is there a point of no return? Can I, or other extremely mentally damaged people be brought back from the void? We can revive hearts which have ceased beating for minutes but does that mean anything? Anybody who deals with mental health issues or emotional trauma knows that things are not always as simple. Things like broken bones, stopped hearts, etc. are all tangible and knowable because we can see them. Mental trauma, abuse, broken psyches cannot be seen nearly as easily and too often somebody who is "normal" acting, is hiding some brutal internal wars. If it IS possible to return from those areas it is not simple, and I am fairly certain that it requires much more than just ones self-determination, effort, and desire. I believe it probably takes the effort of many, and a lot of time.

What I do know is that until I cannot, I have the choice to lay down and quit, or to keep trying to reach out, to work through, to grow stronger.

lyrics

Slipping away
I have fallen too far
darkness overcomes, ripping perseverance to shreds
to throw as confetti upon the death of any decency left inside of me

The monster has come home

Through the mires of shit I stood tall
refusing your ways, refusing to give in
the years brought nothing except the cruelest jokes
punchlines that wrought this man
to something more decrepit than these rust belt ruins
to something colder than the steel that will lacerate and plunge
taking restitution for what you deprived

credits

from The Exposing Of A Man (2016), released November 26, 2016

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Black Bloc Fredonia, New York

Emotionally devastated heavy electronics.

pro action.
anti hope.

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